One of the most important things you can teach your child is
respect. Teaching a child to be respectful is not as difficult
as it may seem. The best way to teach respect is to show
respect. But first, we must understand what it means to show
respect.
Respect is an attitude. It is a response to others that may be
verbal and non-verbal. Respect is the attitude of admiration or
esteem – to hold in esteem or consider well-regarded – towards
others, oneself and one’s possessions. A respectful child takes
care of belongings and responsibilities, and a respectful child
gets along with peers, parents and figures of authority.
Respect, unlike mathematics or grammar, is an abstract concept.
There is no step-by-step model to apply to teach a child
respect. Just as the best way to teach a child how to love is to
show love, the best way to teach respect is to show respect.
Children model the behavior of the adults in their lives. Keep
in mind the saying “Do unto others as you would have them do
unto you.”
When a child experiences respect, they know what it feels like
and begin to understand how important it is. Start early - start
to teach your children as soon as they may begin to understand
what you say to them. It is always much more difficult to show
and teach respect to a teenager who has not really been held
accountable.
While your child is learning respectful behavior patterns, it is
essential to modify inappropriate behavior. If your child does
something that is not respectful, take time to point out, in
quiet and non-threatening ways, that their behaviors towards
others or you are not respectful. Always begin that dialogue in
a safe manner for them and build upon their strengths. Be sure
to offer them alternate ways in which the situation may have
been better handled.
Let’s take a peak:
Four-year old Chloe is on school field trip to the aquarium. Her
mother is one of the parent chaperones for the trip. The field
trip has Chloe’s mother feeling a bit uneasy due to Chloe’s
outbursts in most situations. Mom fears that Chloe will have a
tantrum in front of her teachers and demonstrate how little
control she has over Chloe. The trip proceeds smoothly until
Chloe discovers the gift shop. She eyes up a huge blue dolphin
that she states will need to come to sleep with her tonight.
Chloe’s mother proceeds to explain to Chloe that the dolphin is
quite expensive and she will need to pick out something less
expensive.
At that point Chloe begins to call her mother names such as
stupid, and dumb. Chloe’s mother is often uncomfortable to
confront her daughter when she is showing disrespect towards
others. Not knowing what to do, and being caught between
embarrassment in front of teachers and her feelings toward her
daughter, she takes Chloe by the hand and leads her to the
lobby.
The response to Chloe’s behavior is crucial in successfully
modifying inappropriate behavior. The scene can be played out in
one of two ways:
Accepting inappropriate behavior: If mom is not aware of the
ways to deal with disrespectful behavior, Chloe will most likely
be spoken to in a harsh manner: threatening her future freedom
(“If you don’t stop right now, you will never go on another
field trip again) or bargaining in an attempt to stop the
incident (“If you stop calling me stupid, I’ll buy you the
dolphin”). Neither response will teach Chloe the respect that
she will need as she encounters similar situations in her life.
If the parent responds in a manner that shows the child that
their behavior is acceptable, the child will not modify their
behavior and will continue to act inappropriately.
Modifying inappropriate behavior: If mom is comfortable
confronting her daughter and has handled these types of
behaviors in the past with Chloe, she will quietly lead Chloe
out to the lobby and sit her down in a safe space. She will
review the trip and tell her what behaviors Chloe demonstrated
today that were exemplary and then discuss the behaviors that
were less then acceptable. Chloe’s mother will then discuss ways
in which Chloe could handle her feelings in a more positive
manner. The discussion ends with a gentle reminder that respect
must be a part of how they treat each other and that Chloe will
have the opportunity to have a new toy or treat upon her next
positive behavioral display. No threats, no bargains… just an
honest discussion about how the child behaved appropriately and
which actions were not appropriate. Respect requires:
1) Early Introduction: Introduce the concept of respect early
(as soon as the child is able to understand when being spoken
to) by identifying positive and negative behavioral patterns.
2) Model: Show your children how to respect by interacting
respectfully with your spouse and with others.
3) Awareness: Talk with your child at those times when they
demonstrate behavior that is less then respectful. Showing them
in the moment is most beneficial.
4) Build On Strengths: In discussions with your child, begin by
building on the strengths that they have shown, the positive
behaviors in which they have engaged, and how to improve the
undesired behaviors.
Always ask for assistance when unsure of how to proceed.
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