Surviving a Family Reunion
I left home at 5:00 am on a Thursday morning, and returned
Sunday evening at 7:00 pm, travel weary with feelings of
exhilaration and exhaustion.......yes, like many of you have, I
had just attended my family reunion.
It has taken me a week to recover from this one…..emotionally,
mentally and physically. Is it my age? (45) Was it the heat
factor? (100+° for four days) Was it the unfortunate
consequences of air travel? (very late arriving baggage) Or is
it merely the recovery that is necessary when you put yourself
so fully in the moment, soaking up all that you can of an
experience for me, only occurs every three years. My rational
conclusion is that it is a combination of all of the above, and
much more.
As I reflected on the weekend of memory making activities, I
begin contemplating what it is that makes a family reunion so
all consuming, so important, and yet, often so very stressful.
According to many anthropologists, the proto-type for the
American family reunion was brought over by the Scottish and
Scot-Irish when they settled in the South and mid-Atlantic
states. It is indeed a ritual, marked by the gathering of
extended family to share a large scale meal. Calendars are often
marked years in advance, or the same weekend every year, and
planners work to put together activities with the intention of
creating a wonderful experience for everyone so that more
memories are made and the circle continues.
In defining the family reunion as a family ritual, the
Anthropologists, James Bossard and Eleanor Boll contend the
following:
“A family ritual emphasizes a behavior of which a family is
proud and of which its members definitely approve. It is what
the family sees about itself that it likes and wants formally to
continue.”
I find this definition rather thought provoking, and certainly
not one at first brush I would say “that’s it.” Yet, as I ponder
its phraseology, it is. For my family, we must like the sharing
of laughter, lots of it; connecting with those whom we may not
see or speak to between times but for whom we are so happy to
have this time to share and catch up; traveling down memory
lane; and honoring those who began it all and are now with us in
spirit only. We are proud of that heritage, and yes, we want
much of what we stand for to continue down through the
generations. It is through the events that occur one after the
other during the intense 48 hours that will ensure that indeed
happens. For if our children connect with the cousin’s children,
and begin collecting their own databank of memories, they will
ensure the tradition continues for it becomes an important
ritual in their life’s journey.
To me and many I know, a family reunion is a great example of
the often touted phrase, “stressed spelled backwards is
desserts.” If we are in charge of planning and/or hosting, the
stress includes the time and energy spent planning, organizing,
and implementing, along with the often assumed pressure of
needing it to be perfect for after all, it always was when we
would go to “Aunt Jane’s house”. If we are merely attending, the
stress somehow still finds us, perhaps in the fear of
anticipating that the children will not behave or get along; or
blowing the image that you have a model’s figure or even better,
a model marriage; or the feeling that your life is not as
successful as others........ Our challenge is to prevent these
often assumed and overly anticipated stressors from clouding our
experience so that instead we let them create an experience of
“desserts”.
>From now on, I will refer to my family reunion survival tips to
guide me as I want my future family reunions to ground, connect
and inspire me along life’s journey, as was the original intent.
Tip 1: Create my intention. What is it I want to get out of the
experience? Perhaps it is time with Aunt Sally whose health is
failing and I am anticipating this being her last one. Or maybe
it is playing with the children and making sure my children have
the chance to meet the members of their generation. Perhaps it
is catching up with Tommy for you have heard he has been
exploring a career change. Then again, maybe it is reaching out
to the one who years ago made me so angry that I no longer speak
other than to say “hello”. Whatever it is, I will give myself
time to thoughtfully contemplate what will make this reunion a
successful experience, recognizing the only one who has control
of creating my experience is me.
For me, this tip is vitally important. Over the years, I have
marveled at how easy it is to find myself slipping into that
childhood role that I held in the family so long ago and yet
not.…. the middle child with quite a few quirks and a less than
flattering figure who fiercely claimed her independence as a
single woman. And with that role comes expectations, and I seem
to gladly and easily begin to meet them. The best way for me to
prevent that is to deliberately create my intention, and then
mentally create a strategy that will fulfill it. Then I am on
the offense, and even if I switch to a defensive posture for a
moment or two, I can quickly switch back for I have intention.
Tip 2: Practice letting go. This of course goes right along with
tip #1, for to honor it, I must let go of my historical self
image and familial role. However, it takes it a step further,
for it also letting go of my perceptions of others, and letting
me experience them anew fully in the present moment of the
reunion. For after all, don’t I owe them that if I am expecting
the same? And perhaps they will prove that the best predictor of
current behavior is past, and then again, maybe they will dispel
that myth. I have faith.
Tip 3: Plan, even if you are not the official reunion planner.
The creation of a powerful experience and the fulfillment of my
intention requires planning. Making sure my accommodations will
be comfortable. Talking to my husband and kids about what is
planned, what they want to do, and helping them create their own
intention. I want to give them choices, and share with them my
intention, appreciating that they are just beginning to build
memories, while I am steeped in them. I want to help alleviate
their fears and anxieties, and help them identify what they can
do to have a wonderful time. By reviewing old photos, I usually
remind them who is who, and who belongs to whom so that they
feel prepared, lessening the chance of overwhelm when they find
themselves in the swarm of fifty. I also talk about the new
members of the family---new spouses; children; grandchildren,
and the importance of welcoming them as they were once welcomed.
Tip 4: Keep it simple. Relax. In much of life, I have a tendency
to make things far more complicated than they need be and have
worked diligently to change that habit. Remembering the heritage
of family reunions ---an extended family gathered together to
share a meal, reminds me the value that comes in keeping it
simple. Relaxing. Not trying to make it more than it is; me more
than I am or my kids more than they are. Nor denying that
everyone is getting older, and sometimes that is the most
difficult realization to accept, and yet all the more reason to
keep it simple for with age it is not all about the glamour and
glitter, it is about the time together---plain, pure and simple.
Tip 5: Carve out time for you to rejuvenate. My family reunion
lasts 48 hours, and I tend to think two short days and its over;
therefore, I have to make “hay while the sun shines” as the
saying goes. Yet, when I take the time, even if just a few
minutes to take a walk, exercise, rest my eyes, breathe some
fresh air, or just “chill”, I stay on track with fulfilling my
intention, am able to stay in the moment and take experiences
for what they are without reading into them, and then I truly
value each and every opportunity.
There you have it ---five easy tips to follow to make your
family reunions memories of desserts rather than stressful
times. You owe it to yourself, to your immediate family and to
your ancestors who instilled in us the importance of connection.
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