Helping Your Kids Handle Divorce

Every year over one million parents have to talk to their kids
about divorce. For each parent, the discussions differ, but the
goals of the discussions are universal: to openly and honestly
reassure your child of your love. Divorce is painful and
traumatic for all involved – spouses and children alike. We all
happily begin our lives together full of shared hopes and dreams
and committed to a lasting and loving relationship. Yet almost
50 % of today’s marriages end in divorce. How parents handle
divorce, however, makes the difference in their children's
healthy adjustment or potential maladjustment.

Here’s an example of how to begin talking to your child about
your divorce.

Let’s meet Brad: Brad is 9 years old and an only child. He’s the
apple of his mother’s eye and dad’s best buddy. Brad is at the
top of his class in school and participates in the school band
and in the spelling bee. He’s also an active athlete – playing
intramural hockey and soccer, and running competitively. Both of
his parents attend all of his sports and school activities. 

One day to his surprise Dad takes him out after a soccer game
and tells him "I have something sad to tell you. Mom and I are
having a hard time, and you may have noticed something wasn't
right between us, and you are right. We’re going to live in
different houses and you’ll be spending some of the week with me
and some with your Mom. I know this will be difficult for all of
us. So we should talk about it openly together and about what
we're both feeling." Discussing divorce with your children is
never easy. Here are some tips to help ease this transition.

1. Communicate with your spouse (partner): Although
things have not worked out in the marriage, the two of you still
have children to raise together. Be sure you both are in
agreement as to the timeline of the change and give your
children clear dates and details. The more solid the plan, the
less anxiety your child will experience.

2. Use age appropriate language and details:  A
five-year-old and ten-year-old understand very different things
and have different levels of maturity. Follow their questioning
before offering details. Be honest, but remember what is
appropriate for the age of the child or they will not comprehend
the situation.

3. Reassurance: Reassure them that they will continue to
be loved and cared for by the two of you. Let your children know
that your love for one another has changed, but that your love
for them remains strong and constant. Reiterate that the divorce
is not their fault.

4. Discretion: Make an agreement with your spouse to not
speak badly about the other spouse to the children. Refrain from
arguing in front of the children and do your best to keep them
out of your conflict! 

5. Know yourself: Be aware of your own feelings of hurt
or anger. Do not make a child a confidant for the pain the
divorce is causing you. Seek a support group to help you through
this period. Share your feelings with friends and professionals.
Children are not therapists!

Always remember: Strive to be communicative and honest
during and after the divorce process because there will be
different degrees of feelings over the event as time goes on. If
you're communicating honestly, however, you can never hurt your
child.