The rebel years are over. The phase of contradiction and
compulsive behavior comes to a grinding but definitive halt. The
act of pure impulse sometimes becomes impossible.
You’re older.
I must admit, even in front of my own parents, I have admitted
that I have been nothing short of a hell-raiser. Running away
from home, staying over at boyfriend’s face, kicking the hell
out of my own sister, engaging in drunken cat-fights with
friends, fist-fighting with my brother, word-battles with my
father, thinking I was right when I was irrefutably wrong…..the
list can go on.
Whatever a daughter can do wrong, I did.
But these are the activities, decisions, and memories that have
helped shape me into the person that I am today. I have 2
wonderfully amazing and perfect boys to call my own. They look
up to me, adore me and even when I think I am a little psycho,
they think I am hilarious! The innocence…..I am not yet a
perfect person today but I can proudly say that I have become
closer to perfect....in my personal opinion, that is. Age does
this to people.
When people think I should keep a job, I left it. When people
think I should not be in a relationship, I engaged in. When
people thought I should just shut up, I spoke up. When people
thought I should be more feminine, I kick out and punch around
like a crazy woman on drugs! When people thought I should
forgive, I am revengeful. When people think I should forget, I
remember. Gosh, when people think I should remember (like where
I placed my keys), I don’t.
With that said, I look at my own parents and wonder how many of
my decisions have made them into the older people that they are.
How many of my rebellions have added an extra crease to their
foreheads? How many of my shouting matches have given my parents
wrinkles and white hairs? Only when you’re older, you realize
that ‘Heck, I wasn’t such a smartass, was I?” and there I was,
all of 16, thinking I was adult-enough to make my own decisions.
If I had a daughter like me, I would have done things to her
(and/or myself) that I will live to regret!Thankfully, I don’t.
I don’t have a daughter, period!! (Someone up there loves me,
after all)
I spoke very briefly on the phone with my aging and lonely
grandmother today – and this blog is a result of that
conversation.
To say I have regretted my actions and decisions when I was
younger is an understatement. We all don’t know how long she has
to live on this planet anymore – but one thing is for sure, it
won’t be for long. Oh, she’s not really ill or anything. She’s
happy (in a very lonely kind of way) and healthy (in an old kind
of way) but she certainly has her own regrets as well. I guess a
lot of the things that I did in the past were uncalled for and
when she did things out of the goodness of her heart, I wasn’t
appreciative because I was too self-centered and obnoxious. I
ruled the world, didn’t I?
I don’t know how long more the tenure of her stay here on earth
has before it expires, but I hope she will take good memories
with her down or up to wherever she’s going after the expiration
of her stay here.
Thank you, ah mah.
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