Tantrums don't suddenly appear. They are learned. Controlling or
eliminating tantrums is not complicated, but it is hard work. It
will be easier if you keep one simple premise in mind:
Tantrums aren't personal. Toddlers and pre-school children don't
throw tantrums because they want to be naughty. They don't
scream and yell because they want to hurt you. Children throw
tantrums because they work. It is your job to make tantrums
fail. "Can I have a lollipop?"
This sentence has the power to invoke a racing heart and
sweating palms in many parents.
The answer is no. The child raises her voice. The answer is
still no. The child drops to the floor. The answer turns into a
discussion and the child's voice increases in volume. The tears
flow, the shrieks begin and, after a few parental self-conscious
glances at near by shoppers … the answer becomes yes.
Sound familiar?
What makes the child in the next aisle accept 'no' with a shrug
of the shoulders or a nod? Why is your child the one who throw
tantrums?
There is no easy answer to this question, but there are some
patterns of thinking and practical methods that you can use to
break the cycle.
It is a simple, yet powerful fact. A child's behavior can be
modified. Rewarding a behavior will increase the occurrence of
that behavior. Ignoring it will decrease and often eliminate the
behavior.
A child who throws tantrums gets this message: If I yell loud
enough and long enough, I'll get what I want.
The message you want them to get is: It doesn't matter how long
or hard I yell, I'm not going to get what I want.
The tantrums may be just developing. They may have been an
unhappy part of family life for months or even years. Whatever
the situation, if they're still happening, they're working.
So, how do you start?
* Commit yourself. When you decide to eliminate tantrums from
your life, you are not fighting your child. You are in a battle
for the good of your child. You will create a more peaceful home
environment and closer relationships within your family. You
will also teach your child self-discipline. This is a vital
skill when dealing with society. Teachers, bosses and most
friends will not crumble under the weight of your child's
demands.
Tantrums won't disappear immediately. If your child is just
beginning to learn the components of a truly inspired tantrum,
you may not have far to go. A few unwavering sessions may be all
that is needed. If, however, your child has been honing his
tantrum technique for months or even years, success may take a
little longer. Even so, with consistency and perseverance, it
will work.
* Identify the triggers. When do most tantrums occur? Are they
sparked by bedtime? Meal times? When shopping? While you are on
the phone? Make a list and be aware. Figure out ways to help
your child succeed. If eating dinner is a problem, give her tiny
portions. If too much TV is a problem, offer more interesting
alternatives.
* Clarify the rules to yourself. Before you enter a
tantrum-triggering zone, make sure that your rules are
reasonable and consistent. There are no compromises at this
stage. If your child refuses to eat dinner but insists on
dessert, choose one phrase. "Dinner, then dessert." This way,
when the begging starts or questions are fired at you, you can
respond with a simple, sanity-saving comment, almost like a
mantra.
* Clarify the rules to your child. Before entering a situation
that is likely to provoke a tantrum, quietly, but firmly explain
what is expected of your child. "You may watch this program.
When it is over, the TV is turned off. Do you agree?" If a
tantrum occurs when the TV is turned off after the program, your
phrase can be, "We agreed, no more TV today."
* Stay Calm. Easier said than done. Try to tune out. Try to
ignore the unwanted behavior by not responding or responding
only with your practiced phrase. A child will realize that she's
getting nowhere and be confused. She'll turn up the heat. The
cries may become screeches and the dinner may be thrown across
the room (although it might be a good idea to remove the dinner
after a few refusals, just in case). That's OK. She's getting
the message. If you do not react, she will eventually realize.
The tantrum isn't working.
* Don't give up. This is imperative at this stage. If you
usually give in after five minutes and this time, you held out
for ten, next time you're in for a longer stint. In your child's
mind, the tantrum still worked, she just had to work a little
harder. So will you.
* Reward immediately. If you stick with it, eventually your
child will see that the tantrums no longer have any effect. As
soon as you see the tiniest improvement, offer a reward. I don't
mean to change your rules. If your child screams for only two
minutes instead of three and then agrees to turn off the TV,
don't reward her with more TV. She will be confused. You will be
sending her a mixed message. Reward her with a story or a walk
or a cuddle. "You cried much less today than you did last time.
Good for you."
Taming tantrums is challenging and rewarding. Be gentle with
yourself. There will be setbacks and days when things seem
worse. It can be difficult but it's temporary. When your child's
eyes begin to shine through the haze of anger and frustration,
you will agree. The long-term benefits are worth it.
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