As I write this, Carol and I are in London, having just spent a
lovely two week European cruise with my sister and her
family--my sister married an Englishman and has been living in
England for over 25 years. Carol and I savored the opportunity
to spend this extended time, and particularly appreciated
getting to know our twin niece and nephew better. Watching the
twins caused me to reflect a bit on the observation that two
children growing up in the same household, even when they are
twins, inevitably blossom with different personalities.
Sometimes—as in the case of my own two children, and in the case
of my sister and my brother—the differences are so profound one
might think they grew up not just in different families, but on
different planets. Many of us know families where some of the
children have followed in their parents’ path in terms of
careers, values, and lifestyles, but one or more of the others
have marched to their own drummer, perhaps even becoming the
“black sheep” of the family. My niece stands 5 feet 10 inches
tall at age 11, while her brother is only 5 feet 2 inches. He
aspires to be an engineer (though I am not sure that he quite
knows what an engineer does yet), while she is quite artistic
and is moving more and more in that direction. He speaks rather
articulately and directly, while her speech is more animated and
a bit diffuse. He still has a bit of child-like quality, while
she is just a breath away from entering adolescence. My nephew
and my sister get along quite well, but my sister finds herself
often at odds with my niece—in part, because my niece reminds my
sister of herself at that age. Likewise, my sister and brother
(actually half-siblings—we did not grow up together) are
complete opposites. She is fun loving, relatively easy going,
generally progressive in thought on social issues, and quite
flexible. She also spends money quite easily. In contrast, our
brother is extremely conservative and rigid in his lifestyle and
viewpoint, has difficulty in social situations, and is
extraordinarily frugal. My own two children are likewise quite
different--even their memories and attitudes about their
childhood are radically different—one recalling a rather content
childhood, and the other still processing some old anger. So
what is this phenomenon, and what is a parent to do with it! The
debate over nature versus nurture is an old one. There are
certain characteristics that seem relatively fixed at birth—some
are rather clear, for example a tendency toward introversion or
extroversion, while others show up as a tendency toward one end
of a continuum or another. Although we as parents may strive
valiantly to treat our children equally, it is nearly impossible
to do so. First, each will have a different experience growing
up—one is always the eldest and others stand in different birth
order (twins being the exception). Second, inevitably, one child
will have characteristics that push our buttons more than
another—reminding ourselves of our experience growing up or
maybe of one parent or the other. For example, during our
travels my sister mentioned that she is constantly nagging our
niece about keeping her face clean. “Why?” I asked. My sister
thought a moment, and then as tears flowed she said “Because I
had a face patchy with acne as a kid.” A quiet but profound
discovery of the link between her own past and her interaction
with her daughter. So, how do we deal with our children’s
differences? First, recognize that they are each unique
individuals, and part of their life journey as children,
particularly as adolescents, will be to discover and claim their
individuality. Celebrate their differences. Find ways to affirm
each of them for the unique talents and strengths. And never,
never compare them with one another—at least not aloud. Second,
when you find certain behaviors or actions driving you crazy, or
find yourself in constant conflict, pause for a moment and ask
why you are making a particular rule, or enforcing particular
behavior. Is it for the child’s good, or does your motivation
really lie in ancient hurts of your own? You may or may not
still choose to continue the rule or the behavior, but you will
know why. And if, as in my sister’s case, it comes out of an
earnest desire to spare your child some hurt you experienced,
tell the child. Share your honest feelings, so that he or she
will hear your “nagging” as an act of love, and not as another
note of parental control against which the child may want to
rebel. In short, affirm them often for the uniqueness, for their
individuality. Love them for who they are not simply for what
they do. Share feelings with them. And listen, really listen to
their thoughts and feelings. The rewards will be priceless.
|
