Divorce and Separation - A Child's perspective

It is always the children that suffer the most when a marriage
breaks down and separation or divorce is imminent. Children of
divorcing parents often witness arguments even rows and this has
a strong effect on any child. Children do not understand why
parents argue and cannot relate to rows during the build up to a
divorce or seperation. They become confused and insecure and
their life seems as if it is in turmoil. Here we explain some of
the issues from a child’s perspective.

Children do not understand why parents no longer love each other
and cannot stay together. Prior to divorce or separation they
have only known that happy caring family environment which they
were brought into. To them their world has been turned upside
down and they cannot see why. If parents loved each other in the
past, then why can’t they love one another in the future.

Children often believe that they could be the reason for a break
up in a marriage which can result in long term damaging guilt
complexes. A child’s character often changes during divorce or
separation when things are not normal at home. Children can be
very sensitive to the emotional environment. 

During divorce or separation many children become disruptive at
school, argumentative at home and some even go into a recluse.
This can be a very lonely time, particularly if they are an only
child. Their friends are not going through what they are
emotionally. Hence they feel that they are the odd one out all
of a sudden and do not know how to cope with the situation. All
they want is for their life to go back to a normal family life
where parents don’t argue and row as it may have been before the
stress of divorce or seperation.

When a couple decide that divorce is the only option and
separation is a necessity, children are again the ones that it
effects the most. They are told that they will be with one
parent one day and the other the next. How are they supposed to
form any kind of routine ? This can often result in children not
sleeping in their own beds as they prefer the comfort and
security of being with a parent. Children often feel insecure
and are most vulnerable even at school when they listen to their
friends planning family outings and holidays. 

Children of divorcing parents can feel as though they are going
to miss out on family events and get togethers. During a divorce
each parent makes separate commitments to a child and It is
important that when arrangements have been made by the parent or
parents that they keep to them as the child will feel let down
and resent a parent for not being there for them after they had
said they would. Reliability and punctuality are of utmost
importance to a child. They will clock watch and expect to see
you on time and have been looking forward to spending time with
you wherever you decide to take them. In a child’s eyes it’s you
they want to be with and it’s your time spent with them that’s
most important to them even after the divorce or separation.

Divorce can bring our the worst in people. Never run down the
other parent in front of your child. This creates resentment and
bad feelings all round. Also, never think that you can buy a
child if you are late or fail to follow through with your
promise. Although you may think that you are doing good for
buying your child a toy to impress them - think again - keep
that special toy for a birthday or Christmas present. Your time
to be with them is much more valuable than a toy. Even after the
divorce or separation they will remember where you took them and
what a fantastic time you both had rather than a toy. They will
talk about your outing or time together for days because it
meant so much to them to see you and have you all to themselves.
Quality time rather than quantity of toys is far more important
to a child.

These are just some of the issues children face when parents are
going through the throws of a divorce or separation and every
attempt should be made by divorcing parents to limit or reduce
these adverse affects upon children.



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