Does your child pout, blame and brood? Does he gripe, groan, and
grumble? Do you worry about your child's attitude? If so, maybe
your child's thinking cap is crooked. If it is, you can help.
First, understand what's going haywire under that cap. Second,
learn how too many crooked thoughts create crummy thinking
habits. Third, teach your child how to straighten his thinking
cap and grow into a person of character. Does your child look,
talk, and, feel sad? Perhaps you said "No" to watching TV, or
didn't buy a toy she wanted, or you had to cancel a fun event.
It's perfectly OK for your child to feel sad. It's not OK when
your child broods and feels deeply depressed over every hurt and
disappointment. It's time to help her adjust her thinking cap.
Perhaps your child looks, talks, and feels angry. Maybe you
restricted him because of fighting, or told him to quit sassing,
or caught him bullying his little brother. It's natural for a
child to feel frustrated when things don't go his way but it is
not all right for him to fuel his frustrations with grudges and
hateful thoughts. It's time to help him adjust his thinking cap.
Let's say your child looks, talks, and feels worthless for
making mistakes. Maybe your child tries to be too perfect and
feels regretful when she is not. Maybe she thinks you'll be
disappointed if her report card isn't excellent, or if she
breaks a dish or spills her milk. It's OK if she feels regret
but expanding her regrets into crushing guilt is not. It's time
to help her adjust her thinking cap.
Does your child look, talk, and feel worried? Does he play it
safe and avoid challenges? Is he unwilling to try new things?
Does he care too much how others think of him? It's OK for him
to feel concern about taking tests, speaking before his class,
or when trying to make new friends but inflating his concerns
into a habit of worry and fear is not. It's time to help him
adjust his thinking cap.
Occasionally your child may slip into depression, anger, guilt
or fear. To stay depressed, angry, guilty or fearful, your child
will have to think a lot of negative thoughts. Lots of negative
thoughts create a crooked thinking cap.
Perhaps you know adults with "bad" attitudes. Maybe they pity
themselves and blame others. Perhaps they look for insults and
exaggerate hurts. Maybe they belittle themselves and apologize
for every tiny mistake. These adults definitely have crooked
thinking caps. To avoid this kind of future for your child and
all the pain such thinking causes, let's find out two ways to
adjust your child's thinking cap.
First, use your good judgment and know there are times when you
need to go to your child's feelings. When your child seems too
sad, too angry, too guilty, or too fearful, put your arm around
your child and ask, "What's really wrong?" Listen. Don't try to
change, correct, or put down your child's thoughts. Just listen.
Let your child pour out her heart and listen. When your child is
almost done, ask, "Is there more?" Then listen. Congratulations!
You've probably relieved your child of painful emotion and
cleared the air for a new beginning.
The second way to help your child straighten his thinking cap is
called THOUGHT-STOPPING. It's best to teach this technique when
your child is not upset and is in a mood to talk with you. The
first step is to encourage your child to notice his negative
self-talk, like "Everybody hates me." "It's not my fault." "I
can't do it." The second step is to help your child recall three
powerful images of him having done something good that felt
great. Here are a few examples of images that may be powerful
for your child:
Playing with her pet
Catching his first fish
Learning how to swim
Laughing so hard her sides ached
Doing a great job on his homework
Make sure your child is the one who chooses the positive images.
Tell your child that each image must be more powerful than the
negative thought.
Teach and practice the following several times when your child
is in a good mood. That way your child will know how to use
THOUGHT-STOPPING when she needs it.
When your child catches herself brooding on negative thoughts
tell her to switch them to one of the positive images by
yelling, "Stop!" inside her head to the negative thoughts. Tell
your child to stay with the positive image for 30 seconds. (This
prevents her from switching back to her negative thinking.) Time
the 30 seconds so she'll know how long it is. Then have your
child say, "I am in control." Your child will be too. She'll be
in control of her thinking cap.
You have just explored what goes on under crooked thinking caps.
You have learned how crooked thinkers grow into unhappy adults.
You have also discovered two techniques to help your child
straighten his/her thinking cap. Now it's time to teach these
techniques to your child so that your child grows into a
positive person of character.
Jean Tracy has created Thought-Stopping Charts for your
convenience.
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