Help My Preteen/Teenager is Driving Me Nuts!!! By Kimberly
Chastain , MS, LMFT www.kimberlychastain.com/parenting
Do you feel like someone has abducted your sweet, innocent child
and replaced them with a monster? Are you confused that somehow
you have gone from knowing everything as a parent, to knowing
absolutely nothing? Welcome to being a parent of a
preteen/teenager. It is a brave new world. Being a
preteen/teenager is difficult and being a parent of one is
difficult as well. In this article, I will address just a few of
the many “normal” aspects of adolescence and how to survive as a
parent.
I have been a therapist for over 18 years now and have seen
hundreds of adolescents. If I had a dollar for every time a
parent said to me, “If I talked the way my kids talk to me when
I was a child I wouldn’t be able to get off the floor.” I would
be rich. Yes, talking back is normal. I also quickly add not
acceptable. Our society through TV programs and in general does
not show respect. Most sitcoms delight in making the parents
look like idiots, gone are the days of the strong parents like
the Cosby family. So, our society does not show respect and our
children model that with us. Another normal aspect of
preteen/teenagers is to think their parents know very little due
to us growing up with dinosaurs or at least without VCRS much
less DVD players, anyway. Most adolescents get all their
information from their peers, who unfortunately don’t always
give good advice. Acting like a “baby” one minute and an “adult”
the next is extremely common. It is an extremely confusing time
for them. Part of them craves the security and the easiness of
childhood and another part “needs” the freedom and independence
of being adult (they often forget the responsibility part). So,
as a parent you are never really sure who you are talking to at
any given moment. Do I have the “baby” who wants my support or
am I talking to the “adult” who wants to make his or her own
decisions? We often pick the wrong one.
So, what can a parent due to survive? In my e-book, “Help My
Preteen/Teenager Is Driving Me Nuts!!!” I list several
strategies. Here are a few of those strategies.
1. When your child is talking back. Do not engage in
conversation with them and certainly do not do something special
for them, like taking them to the mall. 2. Try not to give
unsolicited advice. I’m not saying quit parenting all together,
but advice is often listened to more when your child asks for it.
3. Make sure you spend time listening to your children. Take any
opportunity even if it is at 11:00pm to listen when your child
is willing to talk. 4. Talk to the parents of your child’s
friends and have a curfew that everyone agrees on. There is
strength in numbers for parents as well. Then, you can say not
“everyone” gets to stay out later than your child.
5. Talk to other parents for support. Often, when our children
are small we share a lot with other parents. Sometimes, when our
children get to be teenagers we keep silent. It really helps to
know you are not the only parent having a difficult time.
In conclusion, it is tough being a teenager and a parent of one,
but everyone involved can survive. Remember the favorite phrase,
“This too shall pass.” You didn’t think your children would ever
get out of diapers and now look, they are teenagers. Teenagers
still need you, so stay involved in their lives. Learn about
their friends and be willing to listen at anytime. Also,
remember some of their seemingly strange quirks are really quite
normal.
© 2005 Kimberly Chastain
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