Giving advice to a teenager is very easy; getting a teenager to
take that advice is another matter altogether. It's not only a
case of the advice 'falling on deaf ears', sometimes the
teenager seems to go deliberately out of their way to do the
exact opposite, that's when you know you've got a problem. So
how do you go about giving advice to a teen?
The short answer to this question is "don’t". Now at first
glance this probably sounds ridiculous, after all parents have
more experience of life and most would agree that a parent's job
is to pass this experience onto their children. But the problem
with giving advice is that it's really just a way of maintaining
control. We often cover it up by saying we know what's best in
the situation, we have the experience and knowledge, but in
reality what we're saying is what we want to happen, this is
what we want you to do.
Adolescence is a time for learning to self-manage, to take
responsibility for yourself and your actions. It's an essential
process if your teen is to become a well-adjusted, fully
functioning adult ready for the 21st century. And a fundamental
part of the process is handing over control to your teen.
For most parents this is a really scary thought. They're
concerned about what will happen if they do, that if they give
up some control it will mean they lose all control. They're
concerned about what their teen will do or what happens if they
get it wrong, in other words they feel a need to protect their
teen.
Firstly, handing over control at this stage is more about
handing over responsibility and accountability on how to do
something, not handing over total control. It's about letting
your teen have an involvement in how to solve a particular
problem, it's about teaching them problem solving skills. If you
always provide the solution how will they ever learn to do it
for themselves?
Secondly, your teen is very likely to get it 'wrong', to make
mistakes and what is wrong about that? You’re teaching them how
to self-correct, just as they did when they first learned to
ride a bike and kept falling off. Making mistakes is a natural
part of the learning process; more learning comes from making
mistakes than comes from getting it 'right'. How much does it
really matter if they don’t get it 'right' first time or choose
the 'best' alternative?
Finally, is your solution the 'best'? It's easy to forget that
our children are different to us when thinking about a solution
to a problem. The solution may be the best one for you, but is
it the best one for your teen?
Giving advice by telling teens what to do is only one way of
passing on a parent's knowledge, there are other ways of
achieving the same outcome and with a higher likelihood of
success. And it's how you pass on that experience that makes the
difference.
How to Get Your Point Across Ask before you
give. Always ask your teen if they want your advice before
you start to give it. If they say, "yes please" then go ahead
and have your say, if they say "no" respect their decision and
keep quiet.
Question their intent. If your teen has refused
advice, ask them specific questions about how they’re going to
handle the situation. Asking questions about smaller 'parts' of
the problem is a way to at least get your teen to think about
what’s involved.
Provide information instead. Directing your teen to a
source of information that's neutral allows your teen access to
information without having to agree to your point of view.
Give your teen time. Just because your teen hasn't
given you an immediate answer to your question doesn't mean
they’re ignoring it. Give them time to go away and think about
the answers.
Highlight their qualities. Reminding teens of their
strengths will focus their minds on choosing options that make
the best of them. Focus on their weaknesses and they're likely
to lose confidence in doing anything.
Listen to your teen. Often just listening to your
teen without interrupting will show you that you don't even need
to give advice; your teen already has a solution.
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