Title: "You Make Me Sick" and other things Parents Say in Anger
Author: Patricia Gatto
Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.
Category: Parenting/Children's Social Issues
Word Count (including Resource Box and References): 875
--------------------------------------- "You Make Me Sick" and
other things Parents Say in Anger Patricia Gatto ©2004 All
Rights Reserved. Joyful Productions
Maryann is so focused she's blind. She's slipped over the edge
of responsibility and forgot the real reason she is working so
hard. It's for her daughter.
Being a single parent isn't easy. Between working, grocery
shopping, cooking, cleaning and homework, there isn't much time
left in the day. It's a heavy burden to be the sole supporter of
a young child. But when pressures and tensions are so great that
harmful words spill out like bitter pills, isn't it time to stop
and take inventory?
"Clean your room or I'm gonna kill you!" "If you don't do your
homework right now, I'll break your neck!" "Just leave me alone,
I've had a rough day."
These statements came from a woman who loves her daughter and
she's working hard to provide for her. If you asked Maryann,
she'd say she would do anything in the world for her child. But
why can't she see that respectful communication conveys love
more than a new pair of shoes ever will? And why does she have
to be reminded to treat her child with respect?
Maryann isn't alone. Life is frustrating. We've all heard
parents, married, single or otherwise, speak to their children
in anger. As adults, we've all rolled our eyes at the dramatic
threats, knowing full well they have no intention of being
carried out. But does a child know these are simply dumb words
spoken in frustration? Does a child know that the violent
threats of bodily harm are hollow?
Whether over the top displays of drama are blurted in anger, or
merely used to snap a child to attention, the results are
unhealthy and damaging.
When little Billy tells a classmate he is going to kill him over
a broken crayon, where do you think he learned that response
from? And in today's climate, do you think anyone would consider
it just an innocent statement from an innocent child? Billy
would be sent to the principal's office on the spot. And if not,
he would certainty be called down after the victim of his harsh
words went home and told his parents and they reported it to the
school.
What happens when your child gets a little older and has a real
problem? What if he needs to talk about drugs or alcohol? Or she
has a problem in school, or a question about boys? Repeatedly
belittling your child with angry words and intimidation will
break down the barriers of communication long before you even
reach this point. If you threaten to "kill" your child over a
messy room, what would you do if she told you she was having sex?
Anger has a way of creating very colorful and exaggerated
statements. Parents and caregivers need to make a concerted
effort to remove these damaging phrases from their vocabulary by
controlling anger. Save the drama for a time when it is really
needed. On occasion, shocking statements do have a place in
parenting, but used on a daily basis, they will only sever to
create fear or simply numb your child to your words.
Search your vocabulary; are you unintentionally damaging the
relationship you have with your child? Here are some steps to
help you take control when you feel frustration and anger rise.
-Take a deep breath, not from your chest, but pulling from your
diaphragm. Slowly exhale. As you do this, picture your words
evaporate into the air.
-Lift your hand, palm out, in a stopping motion. This will
indicate to your child that you need a moment and serve to
remind you that you are stopping yourself from anger.
-Calmly tell yourself to relax as you continue to breathe deeply.
-Wait until you feel in control. When you speak, intentionally
bring your voice down, not to a whisper, but to a soft, paced
level.
-Then logically explain the reason for your anger to your child,
voiding threats and harsh criticism.
-It's okay to say you are disappointed or upset about a messy
room or a bad grade, but focus on the problem and offer a
solution or deliver a fair ultimatum.
-If punishment is necessary, make it realistic. I don't know of
a single parent that took away television privileges from their
child for the rest of their life.
-Follow through on your words.
-If you do get angry, offer your child an apology, not an
excuse. Take blame for your actions.
-Closely examine the situation that triggered your anger. Was it
really your child? Is there an underlying factor? If so, what
can you do to correct the situation or avoid it in the future?
Anger is a natural emotion. It can't be completely controlled or
removed from our lives, but you can change the way you handle
things. In doing so, you gain an invaluable gift, a respectful
relationship with your child. Healthy communication is a
parent's weapon against the outside world. A child should turn
to his parent in times of trouble, not run away in fear.
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