Beth and Tom were happily married for over 25 years – no small
feat in today’s world. At first, their friends could not
understand how their marriage succeeded, due to numerous
perceived shortcomings.
However, closer scrutiny of their marriage revealed that it was
their thinking patterns – the ways they explained and
interpreted their partner’s behavior to themselves – that
strengthened, rather than weakened, their marriage.
Tom’s lack of self-confidence? No problem! This only made Beth
feel very caring toward him. His stubbornness and obstinacy?
Again Beth explained this to herself as “I respect him for his
strong beliefs and it helps me have confidence in our
relationship.”
Beth’s jealousy? Tom told himself: “This is a marker of how
important my presence is in her life.” Beth’s shyness? No
problem! Tom liked it because “she does not force me into
revealing things about myself that I don’t want to… this
attracts me to her even more.”
Marriage and health
Numerous studies have shown that the health of your marriage
plays a major role in determining your overall physical health.
Healthy marriage – healthy body!
Hold on to your illusions
Being able to see things in your mate that your friends don’t is
a very positive predictor of marital success according to recent
research by a professor at the State University of New York.
Remarkably, satisfied couples see virtues in their partners that
are not seen by their closest friends.
In contrast to this ‘illusion’ by happy couples, dissatisfied
couples have a ‘tainted image’ of each other; they see fewer
virtues in their mates than their friends do.
The happiest couples look on the bright side of the relationship
(optimism). They focus on strengths rather than weaknesses and
believe that bad events that might threaten other couples do not
affect them.
But what if you are an optimist and your partner is a pessimist?
That can work! Or, the other way around? That can work too!
However, two pessimists married to each other place their
marriage in jeopardy because when an untoward event occurs, a
downward spiral may follow.
Pessimistic scenario
Unlike Optimists, pessimistic partners make permanent and
pervasive explanations to themselves when bad events occur.
(Conversely, they make temporary and specific explanations to
themselves when good events occur.)
See what happens when Susie is late coming home from the office.
Husband Jim explains to himself that “she cares more about work
than about me!” Susie explains to herself Jim is sulking because
“he is ungrateful for the big paycheck I bring home!” and tells
him so.
Jim defends himself by saying: “You never listen to me when I
try and tell you how I feel!” Susie, being a pessimist,
responds: “You’re nothing but a crybaby!”
Optimistic Scenario
Either partner could have stopped this negative spiral by
interpreting events differently. Jim could have interpreted
Susie’s lateness as a sign of what a hard worker she is and
noted she is usually on time. Jim could have seen that her
lateness had nothing to do with her love for him, remembering
all the times in the past that Susie has put his needs first.
Susie if she had been an optimist could have seen that Jim’s
sulking was a temporary state rather than a character flaw and
tried to pull him out of it by pointing out that she really
wanted to get home earlier, but her big account unexpectedly
dropped by at 5 o’clock.
The optimistic marriage
The message is clear from both clinical experience and research;
optimism helps marriage. When your partner does something that
displeases you, try hard to find a believable, temporary, and
specific explanation for it, i.e.: “He was tired;” “She must
really be stressed,” instead of “He’s always inattentive,” or
“He’s a grouch.”
On the other hand, when your partner does something great,
amplify it with plausible explanations that are permanent
(always) and pervasive (character traits), i.e.: “She is
brilliant,” or “She is always at the top of her game,” as
opposed to “The opposition caved in,” or “What a lucky day she
had.”
|
