I really hadn't meant to yell. But the aftermath of it lay
before me. My son was a wimpering mess on the floor and my
daughter sat statue-like on the chair in front of me.
As I sat there considering my next move, it occurred to me that
I needed to do something quickly. The deafening sound of silence
reminded all of us that an ugly moment had just occurred. And a
voice inside me continued to insist that my kids were at fault.
"OK, you two, I'm sorry I yelled like that, what a dumb thing to
do!" As I moved toward my son, it became evident that he wanted
no part of me. "Get away from me!" he shouted.
I thought better of telling him not to yell at me, so I did the
only thing I could think of doing. "Crabby Daddy is back," I
proclaimed as I transformed my hands into pincers and crawled in
crab-like fashion towards them. "I love to yell at children,
then eat them!"
My son continued to yell at me to go away, but now he was
laughing and crying simultaneously. My mission to undo the
damage my yelling had caused was underway. I’d been able to
recover quickly this time, but I knew that this moment would be
remembered for awhile.
Most importantly, I wanted to remember what had really happened.
What happened was that I wasn’t disciplined. I failed to control
my emotions in a way that my children could emulate.
Were my children misbehaving? Absolutely. Is there a part of me
that wants to blame them and let them know how badly they were
acting? No question. But this is the part of me that serves my
ego. It shows my children how to avoid responsibility and blame
others. It’s not my “best self.”
And it’s our best self which we must always search for when
we’re with our children.
Our kids don’t need perfect parents, and they won’t get them.
But they do need parents who strive to get better. I’m reminded
of the words of Emerson, who said, “When a man lives with God,
his voice shall be as sweet as the murmur of the brook and the
rustle of the corn.”
If in our lifetime we could speak to our kids with a voice this
sweet, it would be enough.
But until we reach this level, what should we do after we yell
at our kids?
Here are five ideas:
1.Recover quickly – Recovering emotionally (or faking your
recovery) will make it much easier on your children and show
them how to be resilient themselves.
2.Apologize, but don’t overdo it – It’s important to say you’re
sorry, but don’t dwell on it and don’t show signs of pity. This
will help create a victim of your child faster than the drop of
a hat.
3.Avoid finding ways to blame them – It’s incredibly easy to
blame your kids when you’re angry. It’s OK to say, “When I saw
you hit your brother I felt angry,” but avoid saying, “You made
me angry.” You’re responsible for your own anger—teach this to
your children.
4.Process the incident with them – Children can be traumatized
by yelling, and it helps to talk about what happened for each of
them. Ask them questions about it and allow them a chance to
talk about it if they’d like.
5.Don’t beat yourself up about it – You don’t have to envision
your kids twenty years from now telling their therapist how you
screwed up their life! Kids are pretty resilient and they’ll
recover, especially if you follow these steps and keep working
on yourself.
While we’re not perfect, we can still search for the voice as
“sweet as the murmur of the brook and the rustle of the corn.”
It might even keep your kids out of the therapists’ chair.
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