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Title: Validating vs. Indulging Children’s Feelings Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul Web Address:
http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 851 Category: Parenting
VALIDATING VS. INDULGING CHILDREN’S FEELINGS Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
I grew up at a time when children’s feelings were not important.
I was supposed to go along with the program without complaint,
regardless of how I felt. If I was upset about something, my
mother generally responded with, “Don’t be ridiculous,” while my
father just ignored me. Many of my counseling clients had
similar experiences in their growing-up years.
Those of us on a personal growth path don’t want to do the same
thing to our children. We want our children to feel safe in
expressing their feelings. We want them to know that what they
feel matters to us, that their feelings are important to us. The
problem is that sometimes children use their feelings to
manipulate their parents, and parents sometimes get confused
between validating their children’s authentic feelings and
indulging the feelings intended to manipulate.
All feelings are not created equal. As parents, we need to learn
to discern the difference in intent regarding our children’s
expression of feelings. Authentic feelings are generated by life
experiences, such as the loss of a pet, difficulties with
friends, problems with learning, and so on. These feelings need
to be attended to with caring and compassion. Manipulative
feelings are generated by thoughts such as, “I want attention,”
“I want new clothes,” or “I have a right to have whatever I
want.” The expression of these feelings need to be ignored, or
the child needs to be told that we don’t like the complaining,
so that we are not indulging our children in using their
feelings to manipulate.
Joanne is struggling with her 6 year old daughter, Rachael,
regarding this issue of feelings. “I don’t want to squash her
feelings the way mine were squashed.” However, Rachael has
learned to use her feelings to control Joanne. For example,
Rachael often cries bitterly in the mornings while getting
dressed for school because she can’t seem to find the right
combination of clothes. Joanne then spends lots of time trying
to help Rachael and mornings have become a nightmare. The same
thing happens regarding food. If Joanne doesn’t have the food
Rachael wants, or doesn’t like the meal Joanne has prepared,
Rachael often complains and carries on. If Joanne and her
husband Dan want to go out alone for dinner or with friends,
Rachael is outraged at being left out. Joanne consistently
validates Rachael’s feelings by saying things like, “I really
understand how you feel,” or “I really understand that this is
important to you.”
However, in continuing to attend to Rachael’s feelings and
giving them a lot of her time, Joanne is indulging Rachael and
teaching her to use her feelings as a form of control. In
addition, Joanne is not helping Rachael learn to manage her
feelings rather than dump them on others. Just because we feel
something doesn’t mean we need to act on the feelings. As
adults, just because we may feel like having a ice cream for
breakfast, doesn’t mean we indulge ourselves in having it. Just
because we feel like sleeping in when we need to go to work
doesn’t mean we allow our feelings to determine our behavior.
Just because we feel like punching someone in the nose doesn’t
mean we do it. Hopefully, we’ve learned to acknowledge and
release our feelings without letting them control us.
The same needs to be true with our children. We need to learn to
comfort our children’s authentic feelings, such as the pain over
the loss of a friendship, while not giving much attention to
feelings expressed to control. When Joanne tales responsibility
for fixing Rachael’s feelings, Rachael does not have to learn to
take care of her own feelings. Joanne needs to walk away from or
ignore Rachael’s tantrums and complaints when they are about
things like her clothes or food. She needs to let Rachael know
that, while she understands her feelings, Rachael also needs to
learn to accept things as they are. Accepting how things are is
part of learning to manage feelings.
If Joanne wants Rachael to grow up with good values, she needs
to not give energy to issues such as the clothes. Indulging
Rachael in thinking the right clothes are so important is not
good for Rachael. Indulging Rachael in controlling whether or
not she is included in adult activities is also not good for
Rachael. Rachael needs to learn to accept things even if she
doesn’t like them – we all need to learn this. By indulging
Rachael’s manipulative behavior through giving all her feeling
so much importance, Joanne is creating a child with entitlement
issues.
Before we can help our children manage their feelings in healthy
ways, we need to learn to manage our feelings in healthy ways.
If you are indulgent with your feelings, your children will
learn to do the same. If you are using your feelings to
manipulate others, or allowing other to manipulate you with
their feelings, your children will learn this from you. One of
the best things you can do for your children is to become a role
model regarding taking personal responsibility for your
feelings.
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