For most of my life, I've felt hopelessly weird,” said Heather,
an introvert in her early thirties. “Like I don't really fit in.
I've learned how to fool some of the people some of the time -
there are those who swear I can't possibly be introverted - but
I know better. Solitude and reading time are like oxygen for me;
and too much time spent with other people (especially talkative
sorts) is draining.”
Heather struggled with being an introvert in her teen years and
has been coming to terms with it more as a young adult. She’s
not alone. Being a teen can be stressful and even more so for
introverts, who have to withstand all the social pressures of a
typical high school day which are exhausting to introverts and
of no intrinsic value.
For some of us, high school was a long time ago! We can
understand the needs of introverted teens better and support
them in growth on their own terms by going back for a moment to
look at the high school years and the demands that are made on
teens beyond the academic.
Most high schools are set up to please extroverts, who are the
majority of the population 3:1. Introverts may find a typical
day overcrowded, over stimulating, noisy, oppressive and
stressful. The lunch room seems to be a particularly awful
experience. Introverted teens suffer from an almost total lack
of privacy as well.
We decided to get asked a group of introverts how they felt
about high school. Here are some replies.
1.“High school was better than grade school because there was
more individualness to the curriculum. I remember wanting to be
alone at lunch time, even though I had friends to sit with, but
there was no excuse to get away from people. Sometimes I'd go to
the library to pretend to work on projects in the quiet, or I'd
walk in the halls (I went to a huge school) and pretend I was
walking somewhere, just for a moment alone.”
2.“Hated it. It was noisy and there always seemed to be an
element of danger in the air. The teenage stage of human
development is probably the most dangerous. If teens had access
to nukes, we'd all be doomed! LOL.”
3.“Loved high school. Gave me a greater opportunity to be a
nerd. Loved carting all those books around. Instead of getting
my books from my locker as I needed them, I got all the books
I'd need first thing in the morning and get rid of them as I no
longer needed them. If there was homework assigned for a class,
I carried that book all day, and usually got through all the
homework before I actually had to take it home.”
4.“I liked studying and reading but I did not interact with my
peers because by that age, everyone seemed to have made up their
mind that I was much too different and weird so I remained
alone.”
5.“I can't say that I did like it - it was really just a job to
me. I needed to get great grades because there was no money for
college. So I tracked myself into the academic side and wound up
in Honors and AP classes. I became Editor of the newspaper which
was a big deal since the paper had a tradition of winning a lot
of regional and national journalism awards. I edited the
literary magazine, helped with the yearbook, and did a lot of
debate. Basically, if I thought it would look good for college I
did it if it wasn't completely horrible like the Prom Committee.
Teachers liked me. Other students just ignored me. I had some
friends and I dated guys who went to other schools. Really any
social life I had involved kids who were high academic achievers
both in my own school and at other high schools. We all knew
each other from debate, chess club, academic competitions or
whatever. Frankly, probably more than half of these kids were
introverts so there wasn't a lot of pressure to conform to a
"peer group". A lot of the normal stuff of high school just flew
under my radar. I couldn't get involved in the status dressing
thing - no money. I couldn't get involved in the drink or drug
until you puke thing - no money, looked stupid. I couldn't get
involved in the high end sex thing - pregnancy would have
absolutely ended my college ambitions. So I stayed out of
trouble and had a fairly okay time.”
6.“High school was fine. I had a small group of friends, but
preferred to be alone on the weekends. I was always “the quiet
one” in the group.”
7.“I hated high school with a passion. I should have been home
schooled. I was too sensitive and introverted to be thrown into
the lions den. My elementary school never really prepared me for
studies like geometry and I had parents that were busy and too
permissive. So not having the help I needed to get over my math
learning disability (discaculia) I rebelled with drugs to escape
the pain of having to socialize and study.”
8.“I hated the immaturity of the other students. They made other
student's business their business and I thought that was not
only immature but antisocial and destructive. I hated high
school because it didn't address the complete person. I wanted
to know the map of the human psyche. I wanted to learn about
human behavior and take it apart under a microscope.”
9.“Please tell me it gets better from here. I'm still in it, if
that clarifies anything. I hate everyone here. No, I mean
everyone. There's maybe a few people I don't altogether hate,
but only a few. It's pretty depressing really, being surrounded
by 2000 kids my own age and I can't make a single friend. Oh
well, college will be better. Hopefully...
10.I was a band geek and an AP English student. I think I ate in
the cafeteria once for lunch the whole three years of high
school, because I could never find anyone to sit with and it was
easier to starve than go sit in there. Eventually I got to hang
out in the band office during lunch. Did theater and speech team
and French Club and the Literary magazine. Never had any really
good friends though until the last year.”
Now you’ve heard it from the horse’s mouth. Introverted teens
find little value in extraneous socializing. Homeroom, clubs,
dances, prom committees and most of all the dreaded lunchroom
are annoying and exhausting to introverts. When they get home,
the favored activity is reading or other quiet pursuits.
The exception may be academic clubs which tend to contain more
intelligent students. With a rise in intelligence, the ratio of
introverts rises as well. Studies have shown that the
proportions almost reverse themselves among Rhodes Scholars and
Phi Beta Kappas. Many of the more academic groups and committees
are run by and for introverts and can be satisfying to
participate in.
Introverts also prefer private projects (art, creative, musical
instrument) and will often choose to pursue these in their time
off.
Some introverts are comfortable with their personality type even
in high school. We were struck with those who made the best of
it, humorously or otherwise, but we personally identified with
those who walked the halls for a moment of privacy and who
didn’t eat because they couldn’t handle the dynamics of the
lunch room.
When your introverted teen gets home, he or she may need time
alone to fill back up again. In fact, one of the greatest gifts
we can give an introvert of any age is a room of their own with
a door that closes!
Let’s take a look at what some of the introverts on the survey
said they liked to do when they got home from high school every
day. Some of the answers may surprise you.
1."Eat or watch TV."
2."Every so often talk on the phone with a friend, but otherwise
make my own dinner, watch some TV or listen to folk and protest
music and/or teach myself to play the guitar, and do some
homework."
3."Sort out my homework, then do some reading"
4."By this time my sister was more self-sufficient so I'd
usually go to my bedroom, watch TV, write and daydream. I spent
A LOT of my time inside my head."
5."I spent a lot of time by myself outside of the sport and
school activities I tried to get people to be friends with."
6."Read"
7."I by then was very organized and fast at completing chores,
so I had time to paint and write."
8."Babysit my little brother, make dinner... the usual."
9."I have been sleeping a lot after school. I'm an introverted
kid, and I used to feel bad about wanting to sleep after school
cause I was so tired, but now I feel better. I play the clarinet
now, so I practice that and read."
10."Got a snack and took a nap. I DESPISED high school."
11."Cry, eat"
12."Practiced my saxophone. Drew pictures. Went overboard on any
creative projects the teachers gave me. Like, we were supposed
to do an introduction to an epic poem in rhyming couplets. Mine
was ten pages, and a whole rhyming couplet version of what
happened after the end of "the Phantom of the Opera." The book,
not the musical. In history we made children's books, and I was
the first one the teacher ever gave a perfect score to because
mine was fully illustrated and had doors and windows that opened
to pictures underneath."
13."Since I'm in high school that’s easy, I go home and watch an
hour of Sliders and then I usually read homework or my book for
fun and go on the internet."
Please understand how stressful a high school day can be for
your introverted teen. Give him or her the privacy and quiet
time desired when they get home in the afternoon and, if
possible, a room of their own with a door that closes!
Above all, appreciate the ability of the introverted teen to
stand alone. In plain English, this means their ability to
withstand the peer pressures of drugs, alcohol, smoking and
premarital sex are practically ironclad.
This is what one introvert said, ”I was the nerdiest goody two
shoes in high school you could possibly imagine. I was so shy I
don‘t think I spoke to anyone the whole four years. But in a
way, boys like that kind of girl, thinking they can push you
around I suppose. So I got asked out a lot. Anyway, I had one
guy try to force me to take a drink of wine. He simply could not
believe it when I said no and meant it. Since I didn’t care what
anyone thought about me anyway, it was easy. I thought he was
pathetic to even try!”
Introverts don’t have the normal extroverted teen’s craving to
be part of the group. On some level, most of them know it isn’t
going in that direction anyway. Introverts are also well ahead
of the game in knowing who they are. Some of the those
interviewed mentioned a focus on getting into college or making
good grades and were not tempted to get off track by pursuing
activities of less mature classmates.
Last but not least, your introverted teen may not be susceptible
to peer pressure where things like drugs and sex are concerned.
Next time you see him or her “hiding out” at the internet, you
can thank your lucky stars for the introvert’s innate self
reliance.
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