Age is not a prerequisite to grief. Not unlike their parents,
child must be allowed to experience the stages of grief. Denial
of opportunity to “release” feelings, participate in family
loss, and share in recovery can be very damaging to the health
and well being of the child.
You do not have to be a psychologist or therapist to understand
and use basic tools to address the needs of a grieving child. It
does require recognition that “kids are people too,” and
acceptance that their process of mending is no different than
adults. Whether death or divorce, the stages of a child’s
emotional recuperating are very similar to adults, and must be
fully addressed by the parents in order to reap positive
results.
Never assume you know what your child may be thinking or
feeling. Even in the closest relationships, he or she will keep
their most intimate feelings as they assess, for themselves, the
impact of the emotional trauma and related environment issues
that have been forced upon them.
There are general stages of grief manifested in behaviors,
attitudes and changes similar to the following:
Initial Shock which can be manifested in periods of withdrawal
and silence or through wild behavior and disobedience;
Emotional Release which is a stage of becoming more aware of
their loss and reacting with dramatic release of various
emotions including crying without cause, striking siblings or
becoming easily provoked. Some youth may exhibit a variety of
disruptive behaviors in school in addition to anti-social
responses at home;
Physical Symptoms include sleepless nights, nightmares, abnormal
eating habits and digestive problems; and finally Guilt Feelings
exhibited by blaming others for what they feel they have done to
create the situation.
The road to recovery for youth may require that adults take a
proactive role. There are several activities parents can use to
create an atmosphere of comfort and support. These activities
also encourage a closer communication between parent and child
that moves far beyond the immediate crisis.
Encourage your child to prepare a picture album of
favorite activities thy experienced with the loved one. This may
include family outings, birthday celebrations, or special events
and holidays.
Encourage the child to write a story or “diary of
events” about the positive experiences they remember when the
loved one was with them (purchase a colorful diary or notebook
and include a “special pen” the child can use for this activity.
Make this a personal experience for them that no one else can
share. Do ask to read their diary entries or short stories. Let
them offer to share when they are ready. If the child is unsure
how to begin, suggest they develop a summary around the picture
album.
Encourage the child to draw pictures of pleasant
memories. Purchase a combination of crayons, paint and brushes.
Make the project unique to them. Keep it easy and convenient to
begin by making it clear supplies will be available as they find
the need for them. The key here is to make sure their interest
in expressing themselves is not dampened by the lack of supplies.
The key ingredient is your openness to explore whatever creative
ideas are necessary to help your child move through the grief
process and not become stagnate in any one phase. In helping
children cope with the loss of someone they love keep the
following in mind:
Be honest and direct and truthful in explaining what
happened. Creating stories to “protect” feelings may make the
grief process more difficult in the long run.
Allow and encourage children to express their feelings
openly. Let them know that crying is normal, helpful and
acceptable. Don’t put time limits on this process. Each child is
unique and will move along at a pace most comfortable to him.
Don’t compare or contrast one child from another and categorize
strength or weaknesses. Help them know you accept their
feelings, support positive choices and will guide them through
negative experiences along the way.
Accept individual emotions and reactions and don’t tell
the child what he or she should or should not feel.
Listen to what the child is saying then focus on
responding to the child’s needs. Avoid putting words in their
mouth or thoughts in their head. Become a good listener.
Be a strong foundation, maintaining as much stability
in the child’s life as you can.
Encourage the child to be part of some of the decisions
the family will make during the death planning process. Take
time to explain the process and procedures and always ask them
how they feel. Don’t band them from discussions.
Be patient, recognizing that children may need to hear
what happened again and again and will ask the same questions
over and over. Not unlike the learning curve in school,
repetition is helpful to reinforcing the meaning of an end of
life process.
Grieving is an individual wilderness experience that is not
exclusive to adults. Shock, anger, denial, guilt and behavior
changes are human responses. Children need adults to help them
connect to their resources, maintain a positive attitude, and
walk in faith believing that they will heal and get through it.
Knowing that someone cares will help make their “wilderness”
journey easier to bear. You will both be victorious if you take
a step back from your own pain and remember that children grieve
too.
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