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Title: Should I Give Up Me To Not Lose You? Author: Margaret
Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright:
© 2004 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 793 Category: Relationships
SHOULD I GIVE UP ME TO NOT LOSE YOU? by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
How far can you afford to bend your values to preserve your
relationship? How far can you go in giving yourself up to avoid
losing your partner? How much of yourself can you afford to
sacrifice to not lose someone you love? How do we find the
balance between maintaining our integrity and bending our
values?
Most relationships require us to bend to a certain extent, but
how much can we bend without a sense of loss of self?
There is an inherent paradox in these questions: A truly loving
relationship is a relationship where each person accepts and
even values the differences between them. If you have to
excessively bend your values to preserve the relationship, what
are you preserving? You are not preserving a loving relationship
since love does not demand that you excessively bend your values.
Rather than look at relationship in terms of bending values to
accommodate another person, let’s look at it in terms of each
person learning and growing as a result of their differences in
values.
For example, Patricia is a highly responsible person with a
strong work ethic, while Sam tends to let things go a lot, which
results in an imbalance regarding financial responsibility in
the relationship. Patricia is not happy about this. Does she
just accept these differences to preserve the relationship? No!
That is not what a good relationship is really about. Since a
good relationship is about each person learning and growing from
their differences, rather than one or both people giving
themselves up, Sam and Patricia need to engage in open
explorations about their differences. They each have beliefs
that can be explored, and in this process, new learning occurs
that leads to intrinsic change rather than superficial
compromise.
The real problem occurs when one or both partners are not
available for exploration and learning. If one partner says,
“Just accept me the way I am,” or gets angry or withdrawn when
the other partner attempts to discuss the situation, no learning
can take place. Then the other partner either has to accommodate
or leave – not a healthy situation.
Joe is extremely neat, while Julia has a hard time putting
things away. Roberta is always on time while Cecelia is always
late. Maggie is a spender while David is a saver. Carl has a
high sex drive while Andrea has a low sex drive. Angie is an
authoritarian parent while Curt is a permissive parent. Ronald
is highly social while Greg is a homebody. Depending upon
whether or not each person is open to learning, these
differences can lead to:
Constant conflict One partner giving in to avoid
conflict Both partners opening to learning and growing as
a result of their differences
The outcome of these conflicts depend entirely upon intent.
There are only two possible intents in any given moment: The
intent to protect against pain or the intent to learn about
loive.
When one or both partners have the intent to protect against
pain, then they will find many controlling ways of avoiding
dealing with the differences. They may argue, defend, withdraw,
blame, give in, resist, explain, and so on, Each is intent on
having their way, not being controlled by the other, or avoiding
the other’s rejection. This will always lead to distance and
unhappiness in the relationship. The problem is not in the
differences themselves, but rather in the unwillingness to learn
and grow from the differences.
When both partners are open to learning about their differences,
their differences become fertile ground for the exciting process
of personal and spiritual growth and healing.
We cannot make another person be open to learning – we don’t
have that control over others. If you are in a relationship
where your partner refuses learn and grow from the differences,
then you need to be honest with yourself regarding how much of
yourself you can give up and still maintain a sense of
integrity. You cannot afford to compromise your personal
integrity. You can bend and accommodate as long as you do not
feel as if you are losing yourself. Once you feel that you are
losing yourself to preserve the relationship, you will likely
find yourself so resentful of the other person that the
relationship begin to fall apart anyway as a result of giving
yourself up. You are not preserving it by accommodating – you
are destroying it while losing yourself.
The key is to be willing to come up against conflict and
rejection, and even lose the other person rather than continue
to accommodate when going along with what your partner wants
means a loss of your personal integrity. On the emotional and
spiritual level, you can afford to lose your partner but you
cannot afford to lose yourself.
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