When Marcus and Sally first met they immediately felt like
kindred spirits. Marcus was generally warm and open. But as
their relationship continued, Sally noticed that sometimes when
he was upset he had trouble talking. When she asked Marcus what
was bothering him, he would reply that nothing was wrong. Only
when she coaxed him would he eventually tell her. As time went
on, his resistance increased. The more she probed, the more
reluctant he was . . . neither of them felt an ounce of kinship;
they didn’t even like each other. (Taking the War Out of Our
Words, pp. 8-9) Sadly, this is how many of us expect a
relationship to unfold. After the “honeymoon period” and “real
life” sets in, people get into ongoing conflicts that erode the
bond of love between them, imprisoning them in long-term power
struggles. It happens with our children and our own parents, as
well as with our intimate partner or spouse. Is this just the
way things have to be? I don’t think so. I believe that most of
us, whatever our race or culture, have learned a way of talking
to each other that is based on the “rules of war.” So, for
centuries, we’ve been using rules for talking to each other that
actually create and intensify conflict! How does it work? Well,
in a war, whenever you feel threatened by someone, you get
defensive. And that’s just what we do in our relationships, even
with the people we love most. How long does it take you to get
defensive? When I ask audience members how long it takes to get
defensive when someone pushes their buttons or puts them down,
the answers range from “a nano-second” to “instantly!” What
about you? In Sally’s case, she got more aggressive as time went
on. When Marcus would say, ‘I told you, nothing is wrong!”’
Sally would move quickly into her own anger . . . ‘Look, I am
not a stupid woman. I can tell when something is wrong!’ (TWOW,
p. 9) Marcus is sending a double message, glowering in his chair
while saying he’s not upset, and Sally is trying to force him to
talk. Both are behaving in ways that are manipulative and
controlling. What can we do differently? Well, this is a big
task, but one I believe is well worth the effort. The skills we
need to communicate non-defensively are actually rather simple.
When I teach them to third graders they learn them quickly. As
adults, we have more to unlearn and we often resist change. Here
are some key steps. Number One: The non-defensive mind and heart
set—Stop trying to control the other person: For example, we can
give up the idea of “getting through” to the other person,
making her or him listen to us or admit something. Whenever we
do that, are trying to force the other person to change. Such
force creates war. Number Two: Disarming questions— Focus on
curiosity: When Marcus, slumped and scowling, says he is “fine,”
Sally does have an important piece of information. For some
reason he can’t or won’t talk about what is going on. Sally had
begun to work on her own defensiveness, and one day when Marcus
seemed upset, she asked him gently, without conveying any
coaxing, demand or accusation: Are you going to refuse to talk
to me if I ask you what is wrong?” Sally reported that Marcus
sat stone-silent for a while and then “it was as if the stone
melted, and tears streamed down his face. (Taking the War Out of
Our Words, p. 98) They had the best talk they'd had in years. It
can seem like a miracle when we ask a question that is simply
curious, when we don’t try to control the answer. Sally said she
and Marcus had the best talk they’d had in years. But what if
the person doesn’t open up? What do we do then? Number Three:
Giving Feedback—Be honest without blame: We can tell the person
what we are witnessing without trying to prove our point. Sally
could say to Marcus, (1) “When I hear you say that you are fine,
which usually means to me that someone is in a pretty good mood,
and (2) (2) at the same time I see you frowning and slumped in
your chair, then (3) (3) it seems to me that you are upset, but
don’t want to tell me why.” In one sentence, Sally has given
Marcus information about what she thinks his words are saying,
what she sees his body expressing that contradicts his words,
and what her conclusion is about why he is acting that way. But
she has not tried in any way to force him to admit to anything
or to do anything differently. Number Four: Express your own
thoughts, feelings and beliefs—Share your own vulnerability.
Once the person knows how we see the situation, we can express
our own reactions without being defensive. Sally might continue
her statement to Marcus by saying: (4) “So I feel helpless, and
it’s hard for me not to try to make you talk, but I don’t think
that is good for either of us.” Number Five: Predictions (Limit
Setting)—Create security by being predictable: We can tell the
other person ahead of time how we will respond to certain
choices he or she might make. Sally can let Marcus know what she
will do if he decides either to talk or not to talk. For
example, she might say, (1) “If you decide to tell me what is
going on, I would really like to talk to you about it. (2) If
you don’t want to talk, then I’m going to go work in the yard so
I don’t get tempted to try to drag it out of you.” The Outcome:
We simply gather information, give information, and provide
security by letting the person know how we are going to respond
to certain choices he or she might make. Never do we try to
control the other person’s responses. Even if the other person
stays defensive, we can be more peaceful and we can communicate
with integrity and clarity. We can set boundaries that keep us
out of power struggle and strengthen our own self-esteem. The
miracle is how often the other person will drop her or his
defenses and open up. After a decade of fighting when Marcus
withdrew in silence, Sally’s single question dissolved his
defenses and he was able to tell her about the war going on
inside of him that kept him from talking when he was upset. This
article is based on the book Taking the War Out of Our Words by
Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or
favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award
winning speaker and international consultant.
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