A powerful tool for health as we approach the new year can be to
focus on giving and/or receiving only real apologies when we
want to heal a rift with a family member, friend, or co-worker.
We hear apologies all the time, but I don’t think many of them
are sincere. An apology has to be real to heal. Trang Lei spent
the day helping Martha buy furniture and art for her remodeled
living room, but Martha never even offered to buy Trang Lei’s
lunch and so she felt unappreciated. Later when she told Martha
she felt hurt, Martha said, “I’m sorry. I was just so excited
about what I was buying that I didn’t even think about it.”
Trang Lei did not feel better. In fact, she felt worse. · What
was wrong with Martha’s apology? Martha’s apology came with a
built-in excuse, implying that however she behaved was
unintentional—beyond her conscious control. Moreover, Martha has
an expectation that Trang Lei will accept the excuse. Thus,
Martha perpetuates the original problem by continuing to be more
focused on herself than on Trang Lei. I call this kind of
apology “Sorry-Excuse.” Even Martha wasn’t consciously
manipulating, her goal was not to take responsibility but to
find a way out of it. In most cases, if you don’t accept other
people’s excuses when they apologize, they will quickly get
irrupted at you, blaming you for not being understanding. When
we receive a counterfeit apology we often sense it and so rather
than the hurt being healed, it is deepened—as in the old saying,
“adding insult to injury.” I think almost all of us give such
apologies. And we model it for our children. Guidelines for
making real apologies: One: Identify common formats for apology
that are" counterfeit." If you clearly various types of bogus
apologies, it will help you recognize when you give or receive
an one. Here are some examples of common phrasing. ·
“Sorry—Excuse” · Example: “I’m sorry I didn’t call—I’ve been
really busy.” · Translation: Please be understanding about the
fact that other things were more important than you.” ·
“Sorry—Denial of Intent” · Example: “I’m sorry you took it that
way. It wasn’t what I meant.” · Translation: I think it’s too
bad that you had difficulty understanding me correctly. ·
Example: “I’m sorry if I offended you.” · Translation: I can’t
think of anything I did wrong, but if you think so, I’d be happy
to apologize so I can get back in your good graces. ·
“Sorry—Blame” · Example: “I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. Have
you been feeling Insecure about our relationship lately?” ·
Translation: If you are upset about my not calling, the real
cause is your own insecurity, not anything I did. Two: Only say
“I’m sorry,” when you mean it and can specify exactly what you
are apologizing for When we give what I believe is a “healthy”
or authentic apology, we can state clearly what we did that was
disrespectful or inconsiderate without: · immediately explaining
why we did it, · telling the person that however it looked or
sounded, it wasn’t our real intention, or, · bringing up some
other issue that suggests that the other person contributed to
or caused the problem. For example, instead of focusing on why
she didn’t buy Trang-Lei’s lunch—her excuse, Martha could have
taken full responsibility, saying, “I’m so sorry I hurt you.
There is no excuse for me to forget to buy your lunch. Even that
would have been a small thank you for how much you helped me.
And you spent your only day off doing it.” Here, Martha uses her
apology to show her real appreciation as well as her sadness
that she didn’t do so earlier. · Three: Decline to accept an
apology that is not given sincerely. When you accept an apology,
and then walk away knowing it wasn’t real, you enter a world of
make-believe where you pretend an issue is resolved while
harboring resentments. Gently, firmly, without anger, you can
decline a hollow apology. For example: · If you believe that I
simply misunderstood you, then I would rather not have an
apology from you. · Only if you believe you did something
hurtful would I want one. When you refuse to accept an insincere
apology, you refuse to surrender to being manipulated or
pacified and you hold the other person more accountable—without
having to argue or try to force an apology. You are likely to
feel greater confidence. Real Apologies Build Character and
Respect If we can change how we give and receive apologies, we
can become less defensive, gain insight, grow wiser, and
strengthen all of our relationships. We can also, then, be a
strong model for others, including our children, teaching them
that real apologies show strength of character, gain the respect
of others, and have great healing power.
This article is based on the book Taking the War Out of Our
Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore
or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award
winning speaker and international consultant.
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