You’re dating and your religious beliefs are different. How much
difference does this make?
The answer is: Another person’s religious beliefs are important
to you to the degree they’re important to you. This may sound
like begging the question, but it’s an important thing to ‘get’.
Assuming you’re looking for marriage, you need to make a “must
have” and “can’t stand” list. If certain religious beliefs go
into either group, pay attention to them, because you won’t be
happy if they aren’t there (or are and shouldn’t be) and the
relationship won’t work in the long run.
Begging the question is what Zen koans are all about; those
maddening “answers” that the “master” gives when the novice asks
a question. He seems to answer all around something without
coming out and saying it. Why is this important? Because the
master is also teaching the novice how to think and how to
answer his own questions.
The master answers so that the learner understands they’re
either asking a question no one knows the answer to (like “Will
this man make good children?), or it’s a question you don’t need
an answer to in order to get on with your life (like, “Will this
man go bald when he gets old?”), or that you know the answer as
well as anyone else, you just don’t know it by reason (which is
limited) and you can’t accept that (like, “Are we compatible?”),
or that only you can answer (like, “Is this the right man for
me?”).
In the case of religious beliefs, the emotionally intelligent
thing to do is to figure out what you want (work with a coach
for clarity; it’s worth it) and then experience the person.
It’s important to formulate you spiritual “must haves” and
“can’t stands” in the correct way. Do you mean adherence to a
certain set of principals as espoused by a certain faith, such
as being Methodist, or Buddhist? Do you need someone to agree
with every word you say about it?
Or do you want the person to believe in certain spiritual
principals which could be compatible with various faiths? Does
it matter to you more how the person argues their faith verbally
in their head, or how they live it in their daily actions and
behaviors? Some people live in a way that’s very compatible with
certain faiths, though they may not officially belong to any
religious organization. Some religions require only faith;
others require certain actions.
If you want to see certain values and principals in action, what
are they? Honesty? The Golden Rule? Compassion? Kindness?
I do encourage you to take the time to see how the person lives
out their principals. It’s easy to say you believe in charity.
It’s not so easy to tithe.
Now since we began with koans, here is one to help you
understand how to go about this, from Lao Tzu: “A tree that is
unbending is easily broken.” This is referring to the EQ
competency of flexibility.
Choosing a good life partner is a matter of both head and heart.
I know all the self-help experts out there are telling to make a
list, make a list, but, really, your common sense will tell you
that people don’t conform to lists. That’s why you’re still
looking, right? Most of the clients who've come to me for
relationship coaching have list that don't work in the real
world. In other words, they only make sense on paper.
It's nice to make a list, yes, except it’s just words. Also the
things on the list may not add up to someone who loves you
treats you well, and is a responsible, pleasant and comfortable
person to be. (Unless of course those things are on your list.
You’re going out to add something to your life – a partner.
Think of it in terms of choosing a pet. You can head out to buy
a Chocolate Lab, or you can head out to buy a female Chocolate
lab with a gentle disposition who’s good with kids, or you can
head out to by any dog with a gentle disposition who’s good with
kids, or a dog under 50 lbs. with a gentle disposition who’s
good with kids, or a dog that’s got a gentle disposition, weighs
less than 50 lbs., is good with kids and is anything except a
cocker spaniel. On the other hand, you could go to the pet store
and look for a dog that appeals to you!
What’s the best way to proceed? I think it depends upon your
experience and EQ, and if you’re rather new in either area, I’d
suggest some coaching. There’s a lot fo learn, and the more you
learn, the more you can make wise choices. In just about
anything in life, first you have to learn the rules. Then you
learn how to break them.
Back to the dog analogy. After owning dogs for more years than
some of my readers have been alive, I’d go somewhere with likely
candidates and then choose a dog that appeals to me. That’s
because I’ve had a lot of experience with dogs, and I have good
intuition, an EQ competency.
Intuition is leading from heart and suspending the intellect. Of
course I would set forth with certain intellectual parameters in
mind. I don’t want a dog that’s known to bite any more than I’d
want a date who’s known to bite!
Good intuition allows you to suspend the intellect, which is
important in matters of the heart. For instance, I know now that
an English Spring Spaniel can make a wonderful animal companion,
and so can a Basset, a Heinz 57 and a Siberian Husky. By the
same token, I know I can enjoy a male companion with a Ph.D., an
M.A., no college but lots of smarts, or an M.D. In other words,
I don’t “rule out” on the education (or the breed).
However, I also know that a dog that can’t be house-broken, or
one that bites, or one that’s too abused to be able to enjoy
people isn’t a good choice, any more than a man with too much
emotional baggage, or a set of bad habits such as addiction, is
also not a good choice. I will “rule out” on those parameters.
There’s a kind of list that works, and a kind that doesn’t. If
you spend some time doing your homework, you’ll have better
luck. Learn how to make a list that works, and develop your
intuition. Then you can date in an emotionally intelligent way.
Why be the tree that bends so it doesn’t break? Because you
might meet someone who would be an outstanding life partner for
you who doesn’t happen to have something that’s on your list. In
other words, be flexible about your list.
Generally speaking, you can bend on almost anything except a
character or personality trait, and you can even bend on a
personality trait if there’s enough good in the relationship.
For instance, more than one client I’ve worked with has found
out that the “boring” man they were considering turned out to
have the sort of stable, consistent personality traits that made
for a good life partner, and that a pretty face is just another
pretty face.
Look beneath the surface and have a list that allows for what
really counts.
Good luck!
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