Midlife dating can be confusing. Don’t worry, you can figure it
out with a time, information and practice.
First you have to understand the matrix: Some people are after
romance only; others are after marriage.
If you’re a woman dating again at midlife, you’ll find there are
some men who are inveterate “husbands.” Generally they were
long-married and often widowers. They want marriage again and
they know it.
There are other men and women who want to have a romantic
affair, possibly long-term, but not involving marriage. Take for
instance the woman who is just out of a long unhappy marriage to
a man who ignored her. Her immediate goal may be simply to
reclaim attention from men with quantity more important than
quality.
I’m eliminating here the category of “players.” If you want
relationship and are confronted with a player, you can pick up
on it quickly if you aren’t naïve. If it looks like a wolf,
smells like a wolf, and acts like a wolf, and there’s a tail
sticking out from under the nightie, IT’S A WOLF!
Another variable in the equation is the individual fit. You both
may want marriage, but either of you may decide the other isn’t
the candidate. You may be a perfect fit, but she wants marriage
and you don’t. It’s (1) what do you want and (2) with whom?
It’s confusing and frustrating, but everyone’s in the same boat
so don’t take it out on the others. It would be easier if we
could all wear signs on our backs announcing our intentions, but
then we’d still be left with the individual fit.
It would be even easier if all of us knew our intentions, which
brings up a final category: The Good But Confused. They smear
all over the matrix. You can’t pick up on them as quickly as you
can The Wolf, and they sure can cause you pain. These are good
folks too hurt or too new to the dating game to know what
they’re doing. Beware. You don’t ever want to be someone else’s
first. Let them cut their teeth on someone else. In this case
the bite is worse than the bark.
They reek ambivalence and bombard you with confusing signals.
They flirt, then run. If they start to get emotionally involved,
they crater. If you try to talk about it, they can’t. Note: If
you can’t figure out what’s going on, no one could, so give up
and get out. Don’t try to fix it; it’s a blackhole.
Early warning signals can save you some time. We’ll go through
some confusing scenarios.
SHE WANTS MARRIAGE, HE ONLY THINKS HE DOES
Living miles apart, Beverly met Dan on the Internet. He was
ending a short marriage he’d entered into late in life. The
courtship proceeded with more romance than Beverly could’ve
dreamed of. Eventually Dan came to see her. Though Beverly was
crazy about him, and they got along well, he left with promises
that never materialized, continuing to communicate, but
ambivalently. Beverly hung on for months, but it never happened.
One clue Beverly missed is there’s some reason why a man doesn’t
marry until his late 40s and it’s not a good sign when the
marriage then implodes. However, there’s no way to know when
someone’s ready to move ahead. Beverly thought it was worth
pursuing, and we’re glad she did.
When the man isn’t forthcoming with the next invitation, it’s a
bad sign. Had Dan invited Beverly next to come visit him, it
would’ve meant marital ideas. When the person brings you
publicly into their world of friends, family and work, it
signals more serious intent.
It hurts to guess wrong, but you’ll recover as long as you don’t
take it personally.
HE WANTS MARRIAGE WITH HER, SHE WANTS MARRIAGE BUT NOT WITH HIM
Al, a widower, doesn’t know how to live unmarried and dates with
the intent of finding a new wife. Anna was thrilled to find a
playmate for tennis and dancing. The first time they played
tennis, Al invited her back to his house for a drink. They ran
into friends of his at the sports club, and Al always introduced
her, saying, “They’re old friends. We’ll have to do some things
with them.”
This is a sad situation because Anna liked Al a lot, but there
wasn’t a connection there for marriage. His dating style
revealed him to be a good candidate for marriage, and Anna could
only feel, as you will too, “What a shame this isn’t a fit.”
TOM IS ‘GOOD BUT CONFUSED’
Tom, newly divorced, kept flirting with Nancy at parties. He
even asked for her phone number, which she gladly gave as she
liked him, but he never called.
Deciding to move on it, the next time she ran into him, Nancy
pulled him aside for a conversation. Tom quickly began talking
about his broken heart, eventually admitting he wasn’t ready to
date.
Both parties learned important things. Tom liked Nancy but knew
he had nothing to offer at the time, and the conversation
allowed him to quit doing what he was doing, which wasn’t
serving anyone’s interests. (Someone like Tom can benefit from
coaching or therapy. Nancy was wise not to try and do this
herself.)
REWINDING
When you realize it isn’t going to work out, you face everyone’s
least favorite situation: ending it without hurting feelings.
Pros get used to the ins and outs of it, but if you’re new, it
will hit you hard. After all, you’re lonely, you’re looking, you
have feelings, and you know others do too. It takes finesse. You
may move in the same circles, or have been introduced by a joint
acquaintance.
The key is to remember that you don’t do anyone a favor by
“pitying” them, using them to temporarily fill a void, or by
projecting too much of your own feelings on another. When you
know it’s not there for you, it’s kinder to exit gracefully and
free them to get on with it.
With experience, you’ll get quicker at assessing your own
feelings and the potential of the relationship, and better at
the gracious exit. Just remember, there’s nothing compassionate
about a lie. Everyone deserves someone who truly loves them.
If you’re after a caring romance but not marriage, and find a
suitable candidate, monitor it closely. One of you may fall in
love while the other one doesn’t. You need to be able to pull
out of this when necessary to save your heart, or hers.
Generally speaking, men are more capable of sex without emotion.
Stay alert. If you start going under water and he isn’t, throw
yourself an inner tube. Not that you won’t survive, but why put
yourself through it?
You needn’t be responsible for the other’s feelings, but when
you’ve reached a decision-point, talk it out and do the right
thing. You’ll feel better about yourself and help everyone else
who’s in the game.
If you’re honest and decent about it, you’ll build good dating
self-esteem. The actual relationship may not work out, but
you’ll both be fine and go on to look for, and eventually get,
what you really want.
|
