‘Dr. Fiore,’ the voice on the phone pleaded, ‘I need anger
management classes right away. I blew up at my girlfriend last
night and she said it’s over until I get help.’
As Kevin recounted the first night of class, he and his
girlfriend had argued in the car over which route to take home
from a party. Events progressed from mild irritation, to yelling
and name calling.
Things escalated at home. He tried to escape, but she followed
him from room to room, demanding resolution of the conflict. He
became angry, defensive and intimidating.
Frightened, she left. Later, she left an anguished message
saying that she loved him, but couldn’t deal with his angry,
hurtful outbursts.
Kevin said that he normally is a very ‘nice’ and friendly
person. But on this occasion, his girlfriend had been drinking
before the party. In his view, she was irrational and non-stop
in criticism. He tried to reason with her, but it just made
things worse. Finally, as Kevin saw things, in desperation he
‘lost it’ and became enraged.
How should Kevin have handled this situation? What could he have
done differently? What actions should you take in similar
situations?
Option 1: Time out. Take a 20 minute time-out (but commit to
returning later to work on the issue). Take a walk. Calm
yourself down. Breathe deeply. Meditate. Do something else for
awhile.
New research by John Gottman, Ph.D., at the University of
Washington indicates that when you and your partner argue, your
pulse rate goes above 100 beats per minute, and you enter a
physiological state called DPA (diffuse physiological arousal).
Once there, it becomes nearly impossible to solve the problem.
You lose perspective. Your reasoning ability, memory and
judgment greatly decline.
Taking a time-out allows both of you to return to your normal
state of mind.
It is neither healthy nor necessary for you to explode as a
result of being provoked by your partner. Our recommendation:
Turn the heat down rather than intensify the pressure.
Option 2: Interact differently. Many couples like Kevin and his
partner develop patterns of behavior that create
miscommunication and conflict. Do you interact in one or more of
these ways?
-Inattention; simply ignoring your partner when you shouldn’t.
This is also called stonewalling or being emotionally
unavailable when your partner needs you, or not speaking to your
partner for long periods because you are upset with them.
-Intimidation; engaging in behavior intended to make your
partner do things out of fear. This includes yelling, screaming,
threatening and posturing in a threatening way.
-Manipulation; doing or saying things to influence your partner
for your benefit instead of theirs.
-Hostility; using sarcasm, put-downs and antagonistic remarks.
Extreme or prolonged hostility leads to contempt – a major
predictor of divorce.
-Vengeance; the need to ‘get even’ with your partner for a
grievance you have against them. Many dysfunctional couples
‘keep score’ and are constantly trying to ‘pay back’ each other
for offenses.
Option 3: Positive interactions. Start by actually listening not
only to what your partner says, but what he or she means.
Partners in conflict are not listening to understand; rather,
they listen with their answer running because they are
defensive. Unfortunately, defensiveness is another predictor of
divorce.
-Stick to the issues at hand. Seems obvious but is very hard to
do in the heat of battle. Focus and stay in the present.
-Learn to forgive. Research by Peter Larson, Ph.D., at the
Smalley Research Center, suggests a huge relationship between
marriage satisfaction and forgiveness. As much as one-third of
marriage satisfaction is related to forgiveness!
-Communicate your feelings. Tell your partner how you feel about
what they do, instead of accusing them of deliberately offensive
behavior. Use ‘I’ statements rather than accusatory, or ‘you’
statements.
|
