After being together for a long time, the romance in most
marriages starts to fade. We want our love to never end and
desire to be closer to our partner but the stress and busyness
of life gets in the way. Interestingly many couples facing this
dilemma think their love has fizzled, when in actual fact, their
communication has reached a plateau.
In every relationship there are two levels of communication. The
first level is surface communication and the second is deep
communication. Surface level communication involves discussing
the details of daily life, like paying bills, sharing chores,
where to go for vacation, discussing the kids and so forth. Deep
communication is more intimate; it involves sharing your
feelings, hopes, dreams and fears. Deep level communication
occurs when an individual feels secure enough in a relationship
to be vulnerable with their emotions and be their true self.
It’s this level of communication that fuels the romance and
keeps the love alive in the relationship.
If you feel like your love is fading, evaluate the level of
communication in your marriage. Understanding why and how you
communicate is the first step towards improvement. Ask yourself
the following questions 1. While growing up, was communication
in my family encouraged or discouraged? Was it deep or
superficial? 2. Who was the better communicator, my mother or
father? 3. Which parent was easier to talk to? 4. Is my
communication style like my father or mother’s? 5. Would my
spouse say I encourage him/her to share vulnerable feelings? 6.
Do I feel like my spouse listens to me and values my thoughts?
7. When something upsets me outside of my relationship, do I
talk about it with my partner or keep it to myself? 8. Are there
situations where it’s hard to express my feelings or thoughts?
If so why?
Several factors influence your communication level, but
upbringing has the most dominant affects. Here’s an exercise
that will help deepen the level of communication with your
partner and build trust once it’s implemented.
Relationship Wish List: Both of you get a piece of paper and
write down 10 to 15 things, you want the other partner to do for
you (make sure it’s not degrading or painful). It can be going
out on dates every week, back rubs, letting you go out with
friends, etc. Be sure to include even those things you think are
petty and trivial, like putting socks in the blue laundry hamper
instead of the red one (it’s all part of expressing the real
you). Once you're done, exchange lists and talk about it.
1. Were there things on your partner’s list you expected to see?
2. Were there any surprises on your spouse’s list? 3. How did
you feel about sharing your wish list? Hesitant? Excited?
Embarrassed, or relieved? If so why? 4. How do you feel about
doing the things your spouse wants?
If there are items on the lists that make you or your spouse
uncomfortable, talk about them and negotiate something else. No
one should feel coerced into doing anything uncomfortable,
because it damages trust. After reviewing and discussing each
other’s wish list, take one suggestion and implement it. Every
month add a new suggestion (from each other’s list) to your
routine, and continue to do so until the list is completed. The
key to success for this exercise is patience; don’t expect
perfection, be patient with each other as you try to establish
new routines in your relationship.
After being vulnerable with your true feelings, the level of
love and security in your relationship will grow. Especially
when both partners are accepting and supportive of the other’s
feelings and wishes. Under these conditions the level of deep
communication thrives and love flourishes. As your appreciation
for your spouse grows, the passion and romance is revived.
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