The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,
print publication or on your web site, so long as the author
resource box at the end is included. Notification of publication
would be appreciated.
Title: Learning From All Our Relationships Author: Margaret
Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright:
© 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 698 Category: Relationships
LEARNING FROM ALL OUR RELATIONSHIPS By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
All of our issues come up in our relationships - our fears of
domination, rejection, abandonment, of being wrong, embarrassed,
or humiliated. Relationships bring up our deepest fears of loss
of self and loss of other, which triggers our deep learned
protections - anger, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, and
compliance.
While our dysfunctional patterns emerge most clearly in primary
relationships with a partner, these patterns are certainly
activated in friendships, work relationships, and relationships
with our parents and children. Therefore, if you are not in a
primary relationship with a partner, do not despair! You can
still be learning from and evolving through all your
relationships.
Craig, one of my clients, has not been in a committed
relationship for about seven years. Yet most of the work we do
together revolves around the problems he has in his work
relationships and friendships. Craig is a person who hates to be
controlled by others. As soon as he feels someone wanting
something from him such as time, attention, or approval, he
feels smothered and withdraws. He is highly sensitive to people
coming to him from an inner emptiness and "pulling" on him to
fill them up. However, his withdrawal doesn’t work well for him.
When a "puller" comes up against Craig’s resistance, the other
person tends to pull even more. Craig, who doesn’t want to
appear rude, ends up giving himself up and caretaking - giving
the person what he or she wants. He then feels angry and finds
himself not even wanting to be around that person any more. This
same dynamic occurred in both of his marriages.
Craig is in the process of developing a powerful adult self who
can speak his truth when feeling pulled on rather than
withdrawing or complying. He is learning that it may be loving
to himself to be open to learning with the other person and say
something like, "I feel there is something you are wanting from
me. What is it?" He is learning that it may be loving to himself
to say, "When you pull on me for approval (or time or
attention), it doesn’t feel good. I would like to have a caring
relationship with you, but I don’t want to be responsible for
your good feelings."
Every interaction we have with others is a reflection of our
beliefs about ourselves, and we have the opportunity to learn
from each difficult interaction. For example, if we believe we
are inadequate, unlovable, not enough, or unimportant, we will
tend to take personally others’ cold or judgmental behavior
toward us. We may feel rejected and alone, and respond with
anger, resentment, hurt or withdrawal. Our painful feelings and
reactive behavior can alert us to the fact that we need to
explore our limiting beliefs about ourselves. If you know you
are a caring and compassionate person, and your definition of
your self-worth is based on who you are rather than on what you
do, how you perform or how you look, then you will be much less
likely to take other’s cold or judgmental behavior personally.
You might respond with understanding, compassion or with gently
removing yourself from the situation, but you would not feel
hurt by other’s behavior, nor would you get angry, resentful or
withdrawn.
All our relationships and our reactions to them provide fertile
ground for our personal and spiritual growth. If you are willing
to notice all painful interactions and feelings - even to people
with whom you are not involved, such as the person who cut you
off on the freeway or the clerk at the market who was rude - you
can learn much about your false beliefs about yourself and about
what you can and cannot control. Your feelings such as anger at
the person who cut you off on the freeway or resentment toward
the rude clerk are red flags that let you know it’s time to look
within and explore the beliefs that are causing your difficult
feelings. When you recognize that your feelings are coming from
your own beliefs rather than from the other’s behavior, you are
on the road to personal responsibility and the personal power
that comes with that.
|
